i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
