I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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