It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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