Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
