I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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