guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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