I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Randomize
