Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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