Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
my poor anus
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize