So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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