I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
