Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
