I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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