i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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