I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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