It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
