Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
