the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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