I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize