just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
