sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
