Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
