We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
