he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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