I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
