God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
In America we eat man semen.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize