Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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