drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
