My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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