I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
