I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
