Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
