a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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