I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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