so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
