Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
