1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
farters have to be the big spoon...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I have post one night stand depression
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
