I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize