I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
