Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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