And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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