Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Alive.
So much puke
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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