It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
