seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
