1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
