hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
