My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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