I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
