She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
