when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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