You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
