just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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