Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
