After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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