The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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