your thong is hanging out like whoa
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
