I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He felt like a one man threesome
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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