My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
