Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
