Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
