i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my being single is dangerous.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
