you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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