You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
