Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
