imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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