the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
