DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
