I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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