um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
