Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
